Are you giving anything up for Lent this year?

I didn't start doing it until I came to college, because I didn't really understand why it was important, what Lent was and what it meant to give something up for it. I thought of Easter mainly as a celebration, and didn't think too much about the church's 40-day season of penitence and mourning that comes before it. But I have been learning to love this season, the silence, the meditation, the reflection, the shedding rid of superfluous things to focus on Christ. As far as I can understand it, these are the main reasons why we sacrifice something or abstain from something for Lent:

as a discipline for learning self-control, to free our minds from the chase after material things,

as a reminder of Christ's sufferings and what our true pleasures are as followers of Christ,

as an act of sorrow over our sin.

Would you call me crazy if I told you that I even craved this season of denial? It is refreshing to be free. It is good to be reminded that there is a season for mourning. But that even in the midst of our mourning, we mourn as those who have hope, a sorrow that coexists with joy.

So, it is decided. I will give up coffee for Lent this year. And any sort of caffeinated beverage. (I say beverage because if I said ALL caffeine that would mean chocolate, too! I can do either/or, but not both at once...) So no more perpetual cup of coffee here on my desk next to my left hand. And no more Earl Grey tea after dinner as I curl up on the couch with a book...hmm...maybe I'll have to procure some decaf Earl Grey...But don't worry, I won't cheat and do decaf coffee, too. Coffee is completely out for the next 40 days. It will be a good reminder - whenever I reach for my coffee mug during the day and it isn't there, hopefully it will remind me to pray, to praise, to be mindful of my state and my need to reach for God, for Him to reach for me.

Now, just like in Christian discipleship it isn't enough just to be emptied of all sin, but to also be filled up with Christ's righteousness, the point of giving up something for Lent isn't necessarily the sacrifice. It's the change in us that happens when we sacrifice. It's the room that is freed up, when we pare down unnecessaries and simplify, to be filled with good things. Like prayer, reconciliation, service...So along those same lines, in addition to giving up caffeinated drinks, I'm also adding in regular exercise - 3x a week. That's right, baby! I'll go running this week for the first time this year! :)

So, are you giving anything up for Lent this year? Not that I'm trying to pressure you, or anything - I'm just curious about what kinds of things other people do. :)

So, speaking of procrastination, I think I got MAYbe half of the things on my list done this weekend...My house is what suffered the most neglect, with my kitchen and bedroom still appallingly messy...But, on the other hand, the housekeeping done in my heart was much more profitable! And probably much more needed, too...Conversation with friends and family, the fellowship of the Body, laughter, a solid sermon from Pastor Jon, an evening and afternoon playing with small children. I'm still chewing on a G.K. Chesterton quote that Pastor Jon mentioned:

The problem isn't that the Christian ideal has been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.

And I can't help but wonder - am I really trying it? Or am I playing it safe because that hurts less, requires less of me?

Procrastination...

So I've always been a procrastinator. All of you who knew me in college know this very well! Pushing the deadlines on papers, burning the candle at both ends to get everything done on time, camping out at the library during the last few weeks of school working on those big papers that we had all semester to work on...Well, in some ways, I guess I thought that after college my procrastination would go away, because I don't have papers and tests and deadlines any more. But for all of you procrastinators out there, you know that the opposite is, in fact, true - when there are no deadlines, procrastination gets WORSE! So I make deadlines for myself. And then, knowing that there are no consequences if I break my self-imposed deadlines, I push them back a little farther. Then I realize that I need to start giving myself consequences, or implementing a reward system, otherwise my motivation would be ZERO! For example, I tell myself, "Becca, you can't watch those new episodes of Gilmore Girls that just arrived from Netflix until you wash all the dishes in the sink and clean out Shelby's cage." The problem comes when I decide that I can get my reward now for doing the work later. For example, I could instead tell myself, "Becca, your reward for washing dishes and cleaning Shelby's cage is Gilmore Girls. But it's Friday night and you're tired, and you know that you're going to do those things tomorrow, so you can just watch Gilmore Girls tonight instead." Danger, Will Robinson! :) So the moral of the story is that it's harder than I thought to be self-motivated. But it feels so good when I actually do it right, in the right order, with the task first and the reward later! So that makes it all worth it. Except I'm still a procrastinator. For example, here is my list of...

Things to do this weekend:

1. Babysit for Jadyn Mucher tonight.
2. Bake bread tomorrow morning.
3. Finally finish and mail that letter to Rachel...that I started forever and a day ago...
4. Finally mail that card to Michelle...
5. Finally clean my room, that is currently submerged in piles of clothing (I don't think I've put anything in a drawer in 2 loads of laundry - it just goes from the clean laundry basket to my body to the dirty laundry basket, or the pile of I've-worn-this-once-but-it-doesn't-need-to-be-washed-yet pile. For all of you who don't have such a pile, you don't know what you're missing. It saves so much laundry-doing!) :)
6. Finally finish reading The Catcher in the Rye, which I had given up during my brief yearly foray back into the world of Narnia.
7. Finally go for a wintry walk near my house, to discover where all the snow-covered country roads actually lead.
8. Bake lots of goodies so that I have "planned-overs" in my fridge this week for Amy, Katrina, and myself to munch on.
9. Pray.
10. Replace the lightbulb in my other headlight, that is now burnt out like the other one was a few months ago, except this one isn't as easy to replace because the angles to get to it are all funny.
11. Work on what I'll be saying when I speak in youth group on Wednesday, about what drives your life.
12. Sleep...lots and lots of sleep... :)

Do you ever have one of those days when the urge to laugh and the urge to cry are equally strong? When you're not sure whether to run outside and dance a jig in the sunshine or to sit inside curled up under a blanket with a book? Whether to talk or just sit back and watch everyone else around you...whether to go to people or wait for them to come to you...whether to go out and change the world for Christ or to rest and allow myself to be changed by Him...whether to sit or stand or kneel or hug or shout or sing or lie down and fall into a very restful sleep? Well, today is one of those days for me. I bet it probably makes it very interesting for the people who work with me... :)

Thought for the day:

"Hope that is seen is no hope at all," Paul told the Romans. He mentions some of the good things that might come out of difficulties: "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." He lists hope at the end, instead of where I would normally expect it, at the beginning, as the fuel that keeps a person going. No, hope emerges from the struggle, a byproduct of faithfulness.

As for faith, it will always mean believing in what cannot be proven, committing to that of which we can never be sure. A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse. As Dennis Covington has written, "Mystery is not the absence of meaning, but the presence of more meaning than we can comprehend."
~Philip Yancey, Reaching for the Invisible God

I think this may be the hardest part of faith, the blindness of it all. A blindness that comes not from emptiness, but from a fullness that is too full for me, a brightness that is too bright for these dim eyes to see except in very small doses, reflected and refracted and diffused. "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." And sometimes, when I ask God to reveal His plan to me, I realize that maybe I don't really want to know it all now. I don't think I could handle it. I might be like Sarah, and laugh, or like Moses, and claim inadequacy. Sometimes I wish things would make sense in advance. But then we wouldn't need faith. And everyone in their right mind would commit their lives to Christ, because there would be certainty in Him, clear-cut answers and paths and directions. It is so much harder to trust in advance what only makes sense in reverse. But here's the difference: the value is not only in the end, where the path is leading, but also in the process, in who we are becoming along the way. "The testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." If we knew ahead of time, we might walk a little straighter, stumble less, but would we really be becoming more like Christ? That task is infinitely harder. But infinitely better.

This is me today:

'Cause Amy & Katrina are getting back in 3 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hip, hip, hooray!!!!!!!!

Life without electricity...

So today I realized what my life would be like without electricity, and the amount of stuff that I wouldn't be able to do was scary! I discovered this when I woke up late because the power had gone out and my alarm didn't go off...so, after much pondering about how much I rely on this amazing phenomenon of moving electrons, here are the things that can't happen in Becca's house/life when the power is out:

1) Waking up! No alarm clock, no wakey-wakey...
2) Showers! Water pump and water heater are both electric...so I'd be very dirty...
3) Eating! No refrigerator, no microwave, no stove...hmm...that leaves dry cereal and cold stuff out of cans and PB&J...
4) Staying warm! All my heat is electric baseboard heating. And I don't have a fireplace. So without electricity, I would freeze...
5) Driving anywhere! Not only does my car use electricity to start, I also can't get out of my garage without the electric garage door opener. At least I haven't figured out how to do it another way...
6) Entertainment! For the most part, I'm usually only at home when it's dark out. So there's only so much that one can do by oneself by candlelight to keep oneself busy...no wonder Laura Ingalls Wilder went to bed so early! :)

I don't realize how dependent I am on electricity for so many things in my life until I suddenly see what my life would be like without it. In the same way, I also can't help but think about how much more completely and utterly dependent I am on God. And sometimes I forget. Sometimes it takes a time when I see what my life would really look like without Him to appreciate and fully grasp how much He sustains me, how much I need Him! "I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord..."

For all you linguists and culturally-interested people...

My mom sent me this one, and I just about fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard! Maybe it's only funny for people who speak Portuguese, or who have been to the Northeast of Brazil (the Brazilian equivalent of "the South"), or who have ever been in places where people try to spell out English words the way they sound to them, but I couldn't resist...

VOCÊ SABE O QUE É TAPOÉ ????? ("Do you know what a tapoé is?" - pronounced as 3 syllables, with the emphasis on the third and the "t" at the beginning sounding more like a soft "d." In Portuguese, it sounds kinda like the name of an animal, or an exotic tropical fruit, or maybe like it could be some character from folklore like the Saci-Pererê, a one-legged black man who lives in a whirlwind.)
ALGUM DIA VOCÊ JÁ VIU UM TAPOÉ???? ("Have you ever seen a tapoé?")
OU SERÁ QUE SUA MÃE SEMPRE ESCONDEU O TAPOÉ DE VOCÊ???? ("Or has your mom always hidden the tapoé from you?")

SEGUE A FOTO DE UM LEGÍTIMO TAPOÉ. ("Here is a picture of an authentic tapoé.")


Get it? It's Tupperware!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahaha......

Fine, roll your eyes. I think it's hilarious. You only wish you spoke Portuguese like me...

Have you ever had one of those days when everything seems to go by in slow motion? Well, today was one of those days. I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a Mack truck - body aches, fever, sore throat, sinus pressure, the whole shabang...So I called in sick and tried to go back to sleep, but I just tossed and turned. Finally, I decided it was useless to try anymore, and I got up, showered, took some Day Quil, and trucked off to work. I feel like I've been blundering around in a hazy daze, taking longer than usual to do everything, having to have everyone repeat things to me because I forget them...And I really miss being able to breathe through my nose...

Have you ever stopped to think about how amazing it is that our bodies work the way they do? For example, all the sugar and protein and hormone levels in my blood are kept in balance by an amazingly complex system that takes whole textbooks to explain. And, if that system stopped working properly for some reason, it would take a whole medical team on 24-7 rotations, with meds and needles and machines, to make up for it. Like Karis, who has ports and catheters and lines jabbed into her body in 12 different places to handle all of it:
This week, she just started being able to eat again! WOOHOO!!! Orange popsicles and chocolate pudding and ice cream. :) Man, I would miss food...salad, rice and beans, chicken parmesan, extra sharp cheddar cheese...

Right now, if I want to pop on over to the Proctor Station just down the hall for something to munch on, all I have to do is stand up and walk my little body over there. It just takes a few seconds. This is what it takes for Karis to go for a spin down the hall (no food involved):

It takes about an hour just to get her transferred over to the wheel chair!

How blessed I am indeed. And so very little of it has to do with me. Lord, how can I ever be grateful enough for the depths of Your grace?

For once, I wish I had TV channels...Usually, the thought of most television shows just makes me cringe, and I don't want my life to revolve around what my Grandma so fondly refers to as "the boob tube." But for this week, I'd gladly give up all my scrupulous arguments about TV to be able to watch the Olympics. Specifically the figure skating. :) Looking at the pictures online afterwards just doesn't cut it...sigh...anyone want to record them for me?????? I would love you forever! I was trying to figure out whether Netflix would put DVD's of the Olympics in my queue if I asked them to...right above the Godfather...but, somehow, I don't think they'd do it. Bummer!

Food for thought...

From the pen of Nick Spencer, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity:

Art should illuminate. And cartoons, as valid an art form as any other, should help us to see ourselves and our world more clearly, exposing faults, parading idiosyncrasies, mocking pretensions.

Regrettably, our response to such illuminations often sheds more light than the illustrations themselves. Such is the case with the reaction to the satirical images of the prophet Muhammad published in various European newspapers over recent months.

It has shown, among other things, how there exists a silent hierarchy of religious sensitivity in Britain. Christian offence at Jerry Springer – The Opera or Gilbert and George’s Sonofagod exhibition (to name but two) is clearly not as important as the potential Muslim reaction to a cartoon of Muhammad.

It has shown how, for some Muslims in the UK, an insult to Islam greatly outweighs the moral and legal framework in which they live, justifying open incitement to violence and murder.

And it has shown how wide is the gap that separates what we might loosely call the religious mentality of the ‘Rest’, which believes that some things should remain beyond ridicule, and the secular one of the ‘West’ that claims that nothing is.

Different as these three matters are, they all point towards one key question: what (if anything) is of ultimate value to us? What (if anything) is sacred?

Our answer to this question will dictate those to the many others that cluster around it: Is there a limit to artistic freedom? Does freedom necessarily involve the freedom to offend? Is religious or national identity more important? Is anything beyond ridicule?

A very good point, Mr. Spencer. Is it unreasonable to expect all use of freedom to also be tempered by respect? Is it my right to infringe on other people's rights?

A week of surprises!

Surprise #1: I finally got to meet my dairy farmer neighbours. When I had to trudge over there and ask for help pushing my car out of the snow bank off the end of my driveway on Tuesday morning on my way to work. :) His name is Dan Smith, and he's a downright pleasant guy, not to mention wonderfully helpful when one's car is stuck in the snow. When I introduced myself, he said, "Oh, I have a daughter named Becca!" Maybe I'll just have to invite their family over for dinner sometime, as a thank you, and so I can meet his daughter Becca. :)

Surprise #2: When I got home from work on Tuesday, already sore from digging and pushing my car out of the snow earlier, I wasn't looking forward to having to shovel the other foot of snow off my driveway that accumulated while I was at work. But then I got home to a CLEAR DRIVEWAY! Someone with a generous heart and a plow on the front of their truck had removed all the snow from my long driveway. HOORAY!!! :)

Surprise #3: Yesterday, I got a surprise visit in my office from my Aunt Paula and Uncle Steve, who moved to Florida not too long ago! They used to live in Andover, about 45 minutes away from Houghton (just south of Wellsville), and they were on their way back through here in the North for visits, doctor's appointments, and a little bit of business, so they decided to stop by and see me at work while they were in the neighborhood. What a wonderful surprise! To catch up with people who you love but haven't seen in a long time. :)

Surprise #4: My cousin Alyson (Uncle Steve & Aunt Paula's daughter) and her husband Jon are pregnant with kid #4! Let's just say it was a surprise. :)

Surprise #5: (Well, this one isn't really a surprise. It's a given. But it makes all these surprises possible, along with all the other amazing things that go on around us every day that we take for granted but are, in fact, truly miracles of God's grace.) God is awesome! And wonderful, and immeasurable, and beautiful, and gracious, and compassionate, and loving, and...humble enough to shrink Himself down into a size that we can see and feel, through the world and people around us, so that we can know His love for us even though it surpasses knowledge, and so that we can love Him back.

Interesting in Exodus...

So, our church is reading through the Bible in one year together this year, and even though I've read through it many, many times before, it never ceases to amaze me how many things I stumble across that I've somehow never noticed before! Do you ever do that?

This week's musings and delvings were kicked off by something Pastor Jon mentioned in his sermon on Sunday, about the ways in which God works to bring His people freedom. Jumping off from the plagues, he talked about how His deliverance often comes in stages, not all at once, and His plan is mysterious and even confusing until it is fully completed. And he used as an example the crossing of the Red Sea, in which Moses prays and raises his staff as the Egyptians close in on them, and...the wind blows? That's God's deliverance? Exodus 14: 21 says that the wind blew all that night. Maybe it's because I've seen Cecil B. DeMille's Ten Commandments too many times, but I'd always pictured the parting of the sea as a pretty instantaneous occurrence. Moses raises his staff and prays, and BAM! there is a dry path through the sea. But it wasn't like that. It took the wind blowing all night. And even with the pillar of fire between them and the Egyptians, that must have been a pretty confusing, frightening, and sleepless night for the Israelites, wondering what the heck kind of help wind was going to be against Pharaoh's chariots! It was still miraculous, mind you, but I'm sure the people must have been thinking, "Hurry up, already!" as they waited on pins and needles with the Egyptians breathing down their necks. And yet when morning came, that long night of waiting became clearly worth it, as there was singing and dancing and worship for the Lord who works deliverance through blowing wind.

So, still thinking about the often slow and mysterious ways in which God works, I came across that same theme later in Exodus, as God is addressing His people from Mount Sinai. After giving them the Ten Commandments, telling them how to live in love and justice with each other, teaching them about the festivals they are to keep, He promises to drive out the Hittites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Jebusites, Amorites, and Hivites from the land that will be theirs. But then He adds, "But I will not do this all in one year because the land would become a wilderness, and the wild animals would become too many to control. I will drive them out a little at a time until your population has increased enough to fill the land." Hmmm...not exactly what they were expecting, I'd imagine. In other words, "I will work My promises slowly, so that you can keep up, so that when the time comes for the fullness of My work, you will be have grown enough to handle it." Wow. I had honestly never caught that before. Yet another reminder that His ways are higher than mine, that things will come about in His time regardless of how much I fret. "Be still, my child! You can trust me!"

Thank you, Rachel!!!!

Today, I just got a new book in the mail, at the suggestion of my wonderful friend Rachel, who is beautiful, and whose heart is even more beautiful: Between Heaven and Earth. Yes, I'm in the middle of my workday, but when a package comes in the mail run with my name on it, and I KNOW that it's the book I just ordered, it's hard not to rip it open and take a peek right away anyways. It's a compilation of prayers and people's musings about prayer, and even in my random flipping through its pages, it has already blessed my socks off! Here's a tidbit:

Why do we pray?

For reassurance, sometimes, because it's an uncertain world and each of us needs our spirit bolstered from time to time. For guidance, sometimes, because it's an uncharted way we travel, and we need all the direction we can get. For help, other times, because the way is long and almost always uphill and sometimes perilous.

We pray for our daily bread and our yearly physical. We pray when we wake up in the morning and when we go to bed at night. We pray when we're confused. Or lonely. Or sad. We pray when we're happy, too. And when we're grateful. Grateful for seeing a hummingbird up close or a double-rainbow off in the distance. Grateful for a good friend who was there when we needed someone to listen...or there when we needed someone to speak. We pray for reasons as slight as a sudden feeling of appreciation for a cloud that shades us from the sun to one as serious as a lingering sense of abandonment in the face of some personal tragedy.

Partly, though, at least, we pray to find the part of us that is missing. Like the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle that draws attention to itself by its absence. Like the empty space on a wall that calls out to be filled with a picture or a piece of furniture. Like the bare spot in a lawn that yearns for grass. Prayer is a cry from the bare spot in our lives, from the empty space, from the part of us that is missing. It is the wounded part seeking to be healed, the missing part seeking to be found, the now-dry clay of the sculpture seeking the hands that first touched it, first caressed it, first loved it.

Somehow, I think that's exactly why I pray. And it seems to make "praying without ceasing" a little less daunting of a task. :) Thanks for the book suggestion, Rach!

So, the Superbowl is coming up this weekend,
and I just have one question for you, a question that I have been asking for a loooooong time:

Why do they call it football?

I mean, the ball is actually in contact with someone's foot for maybe 1% of the game. Which makes it only slightly more of a foot sport than basketball, in which the only involvement the feet have is running around. The hands have more involvement in soccer (the real "football") than the feet do in American football, even if you don't count the goalie, because of how many throw-ins there are in a game. Who comes up with these silly ideas, anyways?

Every week at youth group, I have a blast. We play amazingly fun games, and sometimes I can't believe how few of the kids already knew them. For example, last night we played Fruit Basket Upset (which Pastor Don re-named Demolition Fruit Basket to add the full-contact element...), and only about 5 of the 30-something teenagers there had ever heard of it before! Can you believe it? (If YOU don't know how to play Fruit Basket, MY mouth is gaping at you right now, like a fish, in disbelief and shock.) We also played a modified version of Speed Scrabble/Take Two - my favourite game of ALL TIME - except with giant Scrabble letters, making a crossword puzzle on the floor, and whenever a team yelled out "Take one!" they had to send someone running across the room to get a letter out of the pile. TONS of fun. Except for when they started getting frustrated that they couldn't think of words to use - I guess that's what I take for granted from having grown up in a home where reading and talking and playing games gave me a HUGE vocabulary. Among many other things.

But every week at youth group, my heart also breaks. It breaks because so many of these kids don't have so many of those things that I have taken for granted. Like 2 parents who love each other, who desire to know and love and follow God, who love me and want me to live in Christ. (Not to mention siblings and grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins who do, too.) Like encouragement from friends and teachers to do well in school and in life. Like food to eat every day, and no shortage of clothes to wear (and that I LIKE to wear), and having no relatives in jail, and a million other things. And when the kids in youth group drive me crazy with their antics, it helps to remember that a lot of the reason for their behaviour is that it's a cover-up for all the ways in which they feel exposed and helpless and vulnerable and shafted and hurt. So many of the kids I work with every week don't have the things I used to take for granted. Some of them are so starved for attention that they would rather act out and get reprimanded than risk being a wallflower, being ignored. Some of them have families that don't care a snit about what they do with their lives, and others have families that are working so hard to make ends meet that they don't have any time left to be involved in their kids' lives at all. It reminds me every week of how much I have to be grateful for, how little of it has to do with any merit or effort of mine, and how much I am called to share the blessings that have been so lavishly bestowed upon me.

Funny story of the week...

So, I love small children. I love the way they talk, dropping letters and mixing up words. I love (and envy) their amazing amounts of energy, and I inevitably get a very silly grin on my face when I'm "attacked" by a full-body kid hug - you know, the kind that finds their legs wrapped around your waist, and their arms trying as hard as they can to reach around your neck, and a slobbery kiss planted on your cheek? Those are the best. Especially when followed up by tickling. :) Another one of my favourite things about kids is their adaptability, their ability (most of the time) to go with the flow. Well, yesterday after church, Joshua Ward, the adorable 2-year-old son of Pastor Jon and Ashley, proved his ability to go with the flow. Literally.

We all had Sunday dinner over at Laura and Walter's, and Joshy (pronounced "Shoshy" by him...) was REALLY thirsty. He had a whole glass of milk before lunch, and another one with the meal. We DID take him to the bathroom before sitting down to eat, but as a distractable boy in the process of being potty-trained, he was a little too engrossed with playing with his food to notice that his bladder was full. So, needless to say, at one point when his dad was checking to see if he had eaten enough, it became apparent that there was a rather large wet stain on Shoshy's pants...Oh, well! He didn't mind being wet, so he ran around in wet pants for a while until he came up to his dad and said he needed to go to the bathroom. Again. Not 5 minutes later. Well, Josh beat his dad to the bathroom, but still wasn't fast enough...so Pastor Jon had a very wet sock...and Josh's clothes were soaked beyond wearing. No worries! Who needs pants? Life is much more fun when you're FREE!!!!! (Although it IS a bit more drafty...) So we had a very cute 2-year-old boy running around the house with a shirt and sweater on, and nothing else. Without a care in the world. :) My favourite part was when he ran over to the window that overlooks the street, and hid behind the curtains from all of us. (Except, of course, he forgot that while hiding from us he was exposing his naked tush to the whole rest of the world!!!!!) It was adorable. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

I'm going to paraphrase, 'cause I don't remember exactly how it went, but Lauren F. Winner wrote something like this:

Profound conversations aren't the point of community. We don't form relationships and community so that someday we can have profound conversations with people. The relationship in itself is the point. Sharing hundreds and millions of experiences like Scrabble games and walks in the park and flapjacks in your best friend's kitchen are, in fact, what it's all about. They're not necessary nuisances, stepping stones along the way until you can finally get to the point where you can talk about God and your deepest fears and why we should or shouldn't have sex and whether either Calvin or Arminius have it right. Those hundreds and millions of shared experiences are, in and of themselves, the point.

How important it was for me to be reminded of that this week, in my interactions and conversations with so many people! Community is the point. Sharing our lives with God and people, on all possible levels and in all possible areas of our lives, is the point. Sharing a cup of tea, laughter, tears, a hug, a meal, a movie, are not necessary hurdles that we need to get over so we can get to "the good stuff" - they're part of the good stuff. They're the very real arenas in which community is lived, where love is fleshed out! Profound conversations are an added bonus, an extra that is sometimes thrown in along the way, a privilege that is gained because we are in community. But love that binds us all together in perfect unity - that is the point. Word. Thanks for the reminder. 'Cause sometimes I forget.

Winter is back again! No more teasers of spring - it's snowing in Houghton! And you know what? I kind of missed it. Go figure.

I feel like Peter.

You know, Simon Peter, after he had denied Jesus and the rooster crowed and he wept. Well, I have been having a dialogue with God similar to that one that Jesus had with Peter by the Sea of Galilee, after He came back from the dead, after He made his disciples catch amazing boatloads of fish once again like he had before. The dialogue in which Jesus asks, "Peter, do you truly love me more than these?", and then again, "Peter, do you truly love me?", and then the third time, that really hurt, "Peter, do you love me?" "Yes, Lord, You know I love you." "Then feed my sheep...Follow me."

My dialogue was not by a sea after fishing, but in my car, on my way home from watching The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe with Kat, Paul, Sean, Amy, and Jeff Brown. And I was remembering how Lucy was always the one to see the right way, Aslan's way, even when others called it nonsense. Like going back to Narnia, or trusting the Beavers. Like in Prince Caspian when she decided she would follow Aslan down the cliffs and up the other side of the gorge even if she had to do it alone, though the others couldn't see him. Or countless other times when she was the only one who saw Him or understood what was going on. I was crying out to God because I wanted to see, I wanted to understand, but I didn't. I was begging Him to show me what He was doing that I couldn't see yet, and as the tears blurred my eyes so I could hardly see the road anymore, I heard Him say those words He said to Peter that day, "Do you love me?" "Yes, Lord. Beyond a shadow of a doubt."

Then, gently, a different question: "Then do you trust me?"
Tentatively: "Yes...But..."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes...But..."
The third time, the one that hurt: "DO YOU TRUST ME?"
(Long pause...I grip the steering wheel tighter...take a deep breath...let out a long sigh...) "Yes."

Ouch. You got me.

"Then follow Me."

And I know that I can do nothing else. There are no other options that even come close.

The past few days have been the busiest days EVER here in the office of the Nielsen Physical Education Center. Hence why I didn't update you yesterday on how speaking in youth group went. In fact, the only things I did yesterday here at my desk that weren't strictly work were introducing myself on Sam's blog, and paying my credit card bill. No blog-surfing, no checking the news, no writing about my life, no funny stories or jokes or pictures. Just the phones ringing off the hook and e-mails pouring in and people constantly streaming in and out needing something. And today hasn't been much better...BUT that will not stop me this time!!!!!

So, for those of you who are curious about how youth group went on Wednesday night, I'll tell you right here and right now. (For those of you who aren't curious, you can go ahead and stop reading now...) It was scary. Being honest with other people is scary - honest about what I struggle with, honest about the lessons about people and God and myself which I have learned the hard way. But there is also something very freeing about being honest. And the kids were surprisingly quiet and attentive for most of the time, which is a rarity! Pastor Don commented to me at the end that he thinks that sometimes when there is tittering going on among them, it is probably because the words were hitting home for some of them and that made them uncomfortable. Go, Holy Spirit! Do Your work! So many of those kids are struggling not to be defined by their situations over which they have no control, like divorced parents, siblings in jail, poverty, and sexual abuse, and they need to know that there is a treasure in them that no amount of pressing or crushing can destroy - the image of God, that is being made clearer and brighter as we are being renewed day by day. And if it was (hopefully) good for them, it was also definitely good for me, knowing that as God does work through me, He is also doing work in me, to peel away a little more of the dirt and grime and pride and show that this strength comes not of any merit of mine, but by the grace of God.
Amen and amen.

HELP!!!!

Does anyone know how to get and keep the attention of a group of 30 teenagers????? Because I'm endeavoring the hugely intimidating task of presenting the devotional at youth group tonight, and I have prepared what to say, but I just don't know how to bring it home! Doing a Faith Journey in chapel would have been hard enough if I had been asked to do so, but to Jr. High students? Yikes! I'm talking about identity, and how we are often given an identity by others that may or may not reflect who we actually are (for example, from kindergarten to 12th grade I was always "the smart one," and it drove me nuts that people didn't seem to notice or care about all the other parts of me that didn't fit under that category), but that in the end the label that covers all these labels is the one that God bestows on us that says, "you are MINE!" I'm trying to make it at least a little bit interactive, by giving them each actual labels to wear...Unless they decide to crumple them up and use them as ammo against each other...Here's hoping...

From a movie that I have now watched 3 times in the past week...About a Boy...

Marcus: "Suddenly I realized: 2 people isn't enough. You need a backup. If you're only 2 people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need 3, at least!"

word. here's to backup!!!!!!!

Do you ever get that feeling when you wake up in the morning that you don't want it to be morning yet, but you know that you won't be able to get back to sleep again even if you tried? Well, I was in that state this morning. I didn't want to get up, but I knew that staying in bed would be pointless. Then I rolled over to face the window and I noticed tiny shafts of pink seeping through the cracks between my blinds.

So in a stroke of boldness, I gathered up my courage, threw off the covers, and yanked up the blinds, to find one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen. Bright red across the whole horizon, blending into fiery oranges and softer yellows, against a purple-grey background - simply breathtaking!

The thing about sunrises is that, if you sit and watch them, the changes in colour and brightness are so gradual that you don't really notice them happening. But when you turn your back on it for even a few seconds, then turn to it again, the amount of change in those few seconds can be astounding! (I was thinking of using this as a springboard for some sort of profound illustration, but now I can't think of any...)

In any case, that spectacular sunrise was a great way to start off the week! I think it may make me smile all day. :)

I want to help!

If faith is being sure of what we hope for,
Certain of what we do not see,
How does one convey certainty?
Because I am certain.
But I don't know how I came to be certain.
How does one explain
Joy in the midst of pain,
Peace in the midst of trouble,
Life in the midst of death,
A Love that knows no bounds?
I can't convince anyone of these things
With words strung together.
But neither can I manufacture
The experiences by which certainty comes,
And so I sit by and wait.

It feels so small, so passive,
This waiting and watching while You work,
When all I can do is pray!
I want to help!
But I know that what is needed is deeper than words,
The way that is blazed by the Spirit
Through the hard grind of life,
The way of experience, of One who has seen and heard and felt it all,
The way paved with the blood from Your side
When You cried, “It is finished!”
Because only You can finish it.
You have let me help for a little while,
But now it is beyond my reach.
Beyond the reach of words or actions or reason.
For certainty has to be learned and seen and experienced,
Without intermediates,
The glaring beauty of Your holiness,
The merciful scalpel of Your love.
Straight from the source.
Pure, unadulterated, devastating Goodness,
That peels back and lays bare
And pulls out the cancer that is eating us up
From the inside out.
So we can heal.
So we can learn how much taller and straighter we can walk
Without carrying around this unnecessary weight.
We have no idea how much You sustain us.
You work even when we are sleeping.
The sun rises & sets at a word from Your mouth.
You do not need our help.
So thank You for letting me help sometimes. Even just a little bit.

Funny story of the day...

Last night, Amy, Katrina, and I went out to Ace's for dinner, where we talked and talked and talked until our food got cold (well, at least mine did...) and we realized that the whole restaurant was empty. Then I noticed that they were vacuuming the floors. And so we decided that maybe we should get up and pay our bill and be on our way - which we did, all the while still laughing and talking. As we were walking out the door, we asked our very obliging waitress what time they usually close, and she told us , "Mondays and Tuesdays we usually close at 7." It was 7:40!!!!!!!!!! AAAH!!!!!!!!!! We felt like very terrible, insensitive people who should have tipped more...even though she assured us that she would have stayed this late anyways to clean up (which she had done all around us while we ate into her evening free time.)

But wait, there's more!!! Upon arriving back on campus, Amy and I dropped Kat off at Paul's townhouse, and went to the campus centre to check our e-mail. Of COURSE, Amy got an e-mail from Sam, and so it is no surprise that she was a little flustered/distracted on our way out to the car, and I was on the phone with Michelle, and as we opened our respective doors to get in the car, Amy says, "Wait! This isn't your car!" She was right. As we were walking up to it, I thought it looked a little too clean to be Tallulah, but I figured it just wasn't as noticeable at night time. But then Amy realized that her bag of clothes wasn't in the back seat, and the light bulb in her head came on much faster than mine did, at which point we collapsed in hysterical laughter in the parking lot. We DID find Tallulah. I had parked her over in the ATM parking slot, and the other car wasmuch more visible, right under the street light, the first car you lay eyes on after leaving the campus centre. Only in Houghton! Where everyone leaves their car unlocked...Otherwise, we would have had car alarms going off and suspected theft... :)

WOOHOO!!!!!

My friend Karis, who went to school with me since 2nd grade, is getting a transplant today!!!!!!!! After a failed intestinal transplant over a year ago that put her into a coma for several months, and being in and out of the hospital for the past year, she finally got a phone call last night saying that they have new organs for her! I think this time she's getting new intestines, liver, and maybe even a pancreas. Amazing what technology can do these days...

For those of you who don't know her or haven't heard about her from me, Karis has been sick her whole life, but her testimony, and that of her family, is simply astounding. They have brought light and love to so many hospital wards, and to many people outside hospitals with whom they get a chance to interact. They have experienced the sustaining grace of God in sickness and health, in want and in plenty, and they will eagerly tell anyone who asks them about where their joy comes from in the midst of pain. Prayers are going up around the world right now, that the surgery would go well, and that the organs would take this time.

This weekend, I finished 3 of the books on my list - Yancey, Nouwen, and the Advent reader. Following the suggestion of my wonderful mother (who has greatly influenced my love of books...among other things...), I have picked up Brennan Manning's classic The Ragamuffin Gospel as one of my next ventures. I first read it during the summer of 2004, with my beloved Godspeed team, and I'm picking it back up again at a very different place in life. Like any book, its contents must be taken with a grain of salt, but seeing as I've also inherited from my mother a penchant for analyzing EVERYTHING I come across (often to the point of being ridiculous...), salt very rarely seems to be lacking in my literary diet! But in the midst of my frequent over-analysis, something very refreshing jumps out from the pages. Honesty. And grace. What Manning writes in his introduction, regarding his book, I think could be expanded to describe the Gospel itself.

[The Good News] is not for the super-spiritual. It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne and not Jesus their hero. It is not for academicians who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis. It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal to emotion. It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion. It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation. It is not for the fearless and tearless...It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus.

[It is] for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other. It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace. It is for the inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. It is for poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents. It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay. It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God. It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who know they are scalawags.

From one closet scalawag to another, my cheese has completely fallen off my cracker. I am in desperate need of grace.

I'm an incurable bookworm...

Lately, I have been having a hard time putting my thoughts & feelings into words. Do you ever feel that way? They seem to float and flit about in my head and in my heart like vapors, not quite substantial enough to be grasped onto but still undeniably there - felt, smelled, tasted, and their nuances affect me. And for someone like me, who processes things best externally, through journalling and conversation and prayer, a lack of words is a real problem. So, in the inability to put my own words to these things, I have pored over pages and pages of other peoples' words, trying to find someone who could flesh out these jumbled wisps, making them somehow a bit more substantial and concrete. And it has been a blessed venture, indeed! To find, in books and blogs and Scripture and sermons and songs, words from others that capture the aching in my own bones, the near-bursting joy mingled with heart-breaking sorrow, the words that I couldn't find for myself. Some of these sources are as follows:

The Jesus I Never Knew, by Philip Yancey
Watch the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas, by various authors
Christianity at the Religious Roundtable, by Timothy Tennent
Job
Psalms
Genesis
The Gospel of Luke
Acts
II Corinthians
In Her Words: Women's Writings in the History of Christian Thought, by Amy Oden
The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
The Genesee Diaries, by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Yes, these are all simultaneous...The stack of books next to my bed is huge! I'm almost done with a few of them, though, so...do any of you have any suggestions? :)

(Thank goodness for libraries! That way, I don't have to spend a fortune to feed my habit...)

I wish I had pictures...

Pictures of a lovely weekend in Washington, DC, with Mike, Tegan, and Mike's sister Kimmie! Of the living room floor strewn with books that we all have been reading, the massive jar of Nerds that has been getting emptier and emptier every day (hehehe...), the Russian teacakes that we baked last night, and of course Tegan curled up for a nap in the papasan chair. Or in bed. Or on the floor. Or pretty much anywhere. :) Pictures of the four of us crowded around a computer screen watching movies late at night, or wandering around the DC malls on New Year's Eve only to find that pretty much everything closed at 6 pm except the wine & liquor stores...interesting... Oh, and pictures of Tegan taking over the world!!! That's right, we brought in the New Year playing Risk, and although I had control of all of the Americas and almost half of Asia at one point, everyone ganged up on me and I was the first one eliminated...and then Tegan took over the world...Maybe someday I'll develop a sense of strategy! Until then, I will fly by the seat of my pants as usual.

"Any New Year's resolutions?" you may ask. And my answer is no. I have a life resolution: I want to learn. I want to learn how to change my own oil. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to learn how to listen better, instead of having my first reflex be to open my mouth and blurt something out. I want to learn about grace, about trust, about hope, about love, about what kind of justice God wants, about sacrifice, about how to pray without ceasing. I want to learn how to make bread without a recipe (I still need to peek sometimes...). I want to learn how to hold tightly, tenaciously, to the things that matter, and learn how to let go of the things that don't matter. I want to learn to wake up every morning and face life head on, with my eyes wide open. This is my life resolution. I want to be a perpetual learner.

In other news, KATRINA AND AMY GET BACK TODAY!!!!! Woohoo!!!! I can hardly wait. (And, Amy, Tegan graciously bestowed some ginger on me, so now we can make ginger tea!)

Sometimes I feel very foolish. And then I am reminded that I'm in good company...

Seems I've imagined Him all of my life
As the wisest of all of mankind,
But if God's Holy wisdom is foolish to men
He must have seemed out of His mind.

For even His family said He was mad,
And the priests say a demon's to blame,
But God in the form of this angry young man
Could not have seemed perfectly sane.

We in our foolishness thought we were wise -
He played the Fool and He opened our eyes.
We in our weakness believed we were strong -
He became helpless to show we were wrong.
And so we follow God's own Fool,
For only the foolish can tell.
Believe the unbelievable!
Come be a fool as well!

So come lose your life for a carpenter's son,
For a madman who died for a dream,
And you'll feel the faith His first followers had,
And you'll feel the weight of the beam.

So surrender the hunger to say you must know,
Have the courage to say "I believe."
For the power of paradox opens your eyes
And blinds those who say they can see.

We in our foolishness thought we were wise -
He played the Fool and He opened our eyes.
We in our weakness believed we were strong -
He became helpless to show we were wrong.
And so we follow God's own Fool,
For only the foolish can tell.
Believe the unbelievable!
Come be a fool as well!

~God's Own Fool, by Michael Card (now playing in my computer...)

Whoever invented Skype is a genius. Truly a genius. My favourite Christmas present of all this year was completely free because of that person (or those people...) - 3 conversations with my family in Brazil!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!! Myself, my sister Karen, my brother-in-law Brian, Aunt Jodi, Grandma, and my cousins Jillian and James gathered around a computer microphone in Michigan, sharing love and laughter and stories and news with my parents and my brother Ben around a computer in Sao Paulo. Truly a Christmas blessing beyond measure!

The coolest part, that made my day and made me smile and cry all at the same time, was when ALL of my immediate family was wishing each other Merry Christmas and saying I LOVE YOU, from 3 different locations in the world. Two computers and a phone, conference-called through Skype - us here in Michigan, my Mom, Dad & Ben in Brazil, and Laura and Walter in Dewittville, NY - love and joy mediated by amazing technology. Almost as good as a real full-family group hug. The arms of God truly cover very long distances!

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas, my friends, with the new traditions that are being forged during your first Christmas on your own, first Christmas as married people, first Christmas in a foreign land. I am sending you all a Christmas hug, via blog and via prayer! And a few Christmas pictures, for fun. :)

Long-distance family Christmas - hooray for Skype!

This one's for all of you who didn't have a white Christmas! No, sorry, I can't take any credit for the making of that snowman...I just stole the photo opp :)

Someone once told me that dogs can sense our emotions - like fear and sadness. Moose was good therapy this weekend. I wish I could have a dog...

Someone, I don't really know who, once said, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Losing is hard. But I think that person knew what they were talking about, whoever they were.

Here's to a Love that will never be lost! A Love that we celebrate this week, having come to earth enfleshed in the body of a baby boy named Jesus.

Help!!! I've been tagged!!!!!!!

OK, Katrina Joy, I am succumbing to the blog-tag frenzy...just because I love you...here goes...

Ground Rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yours" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ/blog/xanga entry about their 5 quirky habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

1. I sleep with 3 teddy bears every night. I hug Honey and Nameless, and Snowball goes in between my knees to keep my back in a neutral position (the eternal physical therapist in me...). And, with the influence of Cherith Reynolds - oops! I mean Cherith Meeks - I have also started heating up a corn sack in the microwave before bed and keeping it by my feet. My feet always get cold at night.

2. I don't feel like paying a company to come pick up my trash for me, so instead I (sheepishly) take my garbage bags out of the can and tie them up, then place them in the trunk of my car for transport to Houghton College, where I surreptitiously deposit them in one of the many dumpsters around campus. For free. hehehe...

3. I brush my teeth for 15 minutes before going to bed at night. All those who have ever been my roommates think I'm nuts because of it, but I bite my thumb at you scoffers of long night-time toothbrushings! I have never had a cavity in my life, and I plan to have such impeccable dental hygiene that I never have to pay for a filling or a crown! Well, maybe I'll eventually have to pay for dentures...but hopefully my excellent tooth-brushing habits will help delay that, too. :)

4. I talk to the drivers of other cars while I'm driving, generally calling them "Buddy," often chiding them for being stupid or offering them advice on how to be less stupid. For example, "Whoa, Buddy, stay on your side of the yellow line!" Or "Get off my tail, Buddy! You're not going to make the speed limit go up or make the double yellow line disappear by riding my bumper!" Or, my personal favourite, whenever someone passes me in a no-passing zone, or insists that they have to go faster than me even though I'm already going 65 in a 55, I smile a plastic smile and wave and say, "Have a nice day! Drive safe! I hope you get pulled over!" (no sarcasm at all...)

5. I love baking - it's cathartic for me - but I don't always get around to eating what I bake. I'd much rather give it away. For example, I made snickerdoodles and sugar cookies last week, and gave about half of each of them away, but only ended up eating about 2 of each myself. So I still have at least a dozen of each sitting at home. And I also have a little bit of hot fudge cake left, that I made for our office Christmas party, and 1/4 of a pumpkin pie in my fridge, and a few dozen more cookies that I just made last night - half of which I am taking to youth group tonight, and half of which I have no idea what to do with. Do any of you like gingersnaps? :) I bake for the sake of baking, not necessarily for the sake of eating what I bake..call me crazy.

There, I did it! The sad thing is, though, that since most of my blogging friends have already been tagged, I may have to resort to only tagging 4 people myself...Chuck, Cherith, Fuller man, and Ben Howard, YOU'RE IT!!!! :)

By the way, have a blessed Christmas, all!

A very eventful weekend...

Chuck and Cherith got married!!! It was beautiful, and now they are one. Crazy. Wonderful.

And DAN IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

And cross-cultural transition is hard...especially when you're on the outside looking in. I'm used to being the one going through it, not the one watching, and I hate the feeling of having my hands tied behind my back, like I'm about as useful as a fire hydrant. Except fire hydrants can't pray. Or give backrubs. Or make Christmas cookies. On second thought, maybe I don't feel so much like a fire hydrant.

And I am very thankful for God's grace.

The countdown's getting lower every day...

Did you ever sing that song in Sunday school when you were a kid? I used to love counting down from 10 while progressively decreasing the space between my hands, until at the end of the countdown we would all clap our hands together really loudly..."The count(CLAP)down's getting lower every day!"

Well, for me, it's down to 2, and I can hardly wait until the part when I can clap my hands. Or better yet, when I can clasp one of my hands together with another hand that belongs to a very tall Daniel. In 2 days, 2 hours, and 20 minutes, there will be a big hullaballoo at the Rochester airport as Dan is mobbed by the hugs of a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother, and a girlfriend who are incredibly glad that he is home. Between now and then, I will go to Chuck & Cherith's wedding, sing in my church's Christmas musical, clean my messy room, and try to eat and sleep although I may be slightly too nervous for the last two...

Wow - the next time I sit down at this desk, I will be grinning to put the Cheshire cat to shame. Because the countdown will be over and Dan will be home. :)

Today's Advent reading:

No one can celebrate
a genuine Christmas
without being truly poor.
The self-sufficient, the proud,
those who, because they have
everything, look down on others,
those who have no need
even of God - for them there
will be no Christmas.
Only the poor, the hungry,
those who need someone
to come on their behalf,
will have that someone.
That someone is God.
Emmanuel. God-with-us.
Without poverty of spirit
there can be no abundance of God.
- Oscar Romero

I am keenly aware of how gaping my own insufficiencies are, of how much I need a Saviour to come on my behalf and do in me what I cannot do for myself - bring new LIFE! And even as we pray, "Come, Lord Jesus," we know that He has already come, that He is already here, dwelling in our midst, in our very lives - Emmanuel, God is with us. Hallelujah!

Reunions...

Chuck and Cherith came down last night, and it is so refreshing to see them together again, after a long and very hard 6 months of long-distance! Spending time with them was such a blessing, but you know what? It was possibly even more wonderful just to sit back and watch them interact, watch them talk and laugh together and look at each other with love in their eyes, seeing them marvel at the rediscovery that they can actually reach out and hug each other if they want to, instead of instinctively reaching out to each other by reaching for the phone or the computer keyboard.

And then there's also the joyful news from Japan about the reunion of three sister-friends from Houghton College - Amy, Rachel, and Katrina - being reunited in a context VERY different from the Houghton in which they were used to living out their relationship. And yet, somehow, friendship is always familiar, even when transplanted from small-town America to Sendai, Japan. Rachel's hugs are the same, Amy's laughter, Katrina's funny faces in brackets - all reminders of how incredible the blessing of friendship is, and how amazing God's grace in giving us incredible people with whom to share this journey called life! People in whose company my heart is at ease, free to simply BE, knowing that as we ARE together, God moves in our midst and uses our together-ness to make us all stronger, more loving, more receptive to His voice, and ultimately better disciples of the Christ we all serve, through the Holy Spirit. The reunion of friends is something that brings a smile from the deepest part of me and sends tingles down to my fingers and toes. I hope you are having a wonderful time in Japan, sisters of mine! :)

Watching all of these reunions, I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly glad I am that my own reunion with a very significant friend named Daniel is only 6 days away!!!!!!!!!! Finally... Right now, the place where said nervous giddiness resides is right in the pit of my stomach, in the form of butterflies that just won't calm down. I feel like I'm in 8th grade again.

Today, I officially feel (almost) like a grown-up.

I set up and decorated my very own Christmas tree for the very first time last night! (With Sarah, of course.)

And to top it all off I also changed my very own burnt-out headlight on my very own car. Without instructions or an owner's manual. Just my hands and a flashlight and the analytical, problem-solving brain God gave me, tinkering under the hood of my car until the old bulb was out and the new bulb was in and the wires were all re-connected. So I'm no longer a p'diddle. And I still have some black grime under my fingernails from the whole venture, but it is a very fulfilling kind of dirty. Like the satisfying soreness in your legs after a long run, or the satisfying tingling in your fingers & toes as you thaw out over a mug of hot chocolate inside a warm house after shoveling a foot of snow off the driveway. Here's to having two functional headlights again! Booyah!

(Oh, the reason I added in the "almost" in the first sentence of this post is because I still sleep with 3 teddy bears. I don't think that qualifies me to be fully grown-up yet...)

Sometimes, I talk too much...and am so focused on making sure I say everything I want to say that I don't stop to think about whether or not what I'm saying is actually helpful to the person on the other end of the conversation. Sometimes, I forget to listen...to really listen to what's going on in people's hearts and lives, not so that while listening I can be thinking up the perfect response or solution, but simply so that in listening my heart may embrace them more completely, and love them more completely. Without an agenda.

And, sadly enough, I find that I do the same thing with God on a fairly regular basis. I rattle off my concerns, my frustrations, my problems, and even my joys, and then I say "Phew! Thanks for listening, Lord! I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest. Well, talk to You later!" Then I go about my day, and I forget to listen for His voice unless I'm in a bind, unless I'm lonely and need comfort, or I've fallen flat on my face and I need to be picked back up again. When in reality what I need is to be continually attentive to His voice, so that reliance on Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are worked into the very fabric of my daily existence, so that I don't have to run to Him when something comes up because I've been walking close beside Him all along. Open my ears, Lord, teach me to listen!

So, about that Christmas tree...

I got one for free!!!!! :) That's right. That's what happens when you have a wonderful sister and brother-in-law who are moving into a new house, and you help them paint and clean, and they bestow upon you the artificial Christmas tree that their pastor had bestowed upon them for their first Christmas. So I get to start my official Christmas decorating and cookie-baking this week! Hooray!!!! :) Once my arms recover from the incredible soreness of painting a dining room, bedroom, and study, that is...And I still don't have a nativity scene, but I'm working on it.

On another note, today is the day when I am all grins and smiles for my dear friends Chuck and Cherith, whose long-distance countdown ends TODAY!!!!!! :) Cherith and I have been in pretty much the same boat ever since June, with both of us staying behind here in Western New York while the men in our lives roamed the country together in a purple minivan, visiting 26 states and 18 national parks (did I get that right?) in one summer. And then, after a very brief teaser of time together, those men once again headed off into the wild blue yonder, this time to study abroad - Chuck to Australia, and Dan to Costa Rica. So now, after months and months of ridiculously difficult apart-ness, in which God's grace has sustained us all, and in which His love has carried us when ours felt shaky and inadequate, the time for love expressed through words over long distances, spoken or in writing, is now becoming the time to flesh out those words in actions, in the sharing of day-to-day life, and in sharpening each other daily to become better disciples of the Christ who has called us His own. My joy overflows for you two today!!!! May God's grace continue to carry your love, always. See you at the wedding! :)

For me, the countdown is down to 13 days! 13 days until I will share the backseat of the Fuller family minivan with a tall, handsome man named Daniel, on the way home from the airport, along with his parents and Jonathan. 13 days until we can talk for however long we want to or need to, in person, without having to worry about how much the long-distance phone bill is going to cost. 13 days until Dan will once again be surrounded by Houghton snow (hahaha...) instead of sub-tropical heat, which will give him ample motivation to stay inside where it's warm. With his family. And with me. :) (P.S. -We still have 5 1/2 books left to read in the Chronicles of Narnia, in case we ever run out of things to talk about! Although I seriously doubt that is going to happen anytime soon...) 13 days, baby!

You know you work in the Athletic Department when...

...you decorate the office for Christmas and still have a sports theme. For example, we have a string of Adidas sneaker-shaped lights (you know, those classic white ones with 3 blue stripes and the rubber of the sole coming up over the toe?)...And we have a whole bunch of "Air Santas," little plastic Santas flying through the air pretending to dunk basketballs. (They used to be on a string of lights, too, but then that string of lights broke, and now we have a dozen identical Air Santas stuck to the windows and mirrors and picture frames in the office.) At least we didn't have to decorate with the Highlander purple & gold theme! :)

Decorating the office for Christmas reminds me that I haven't gotten any of my own Christmas decorations out of their boxes yet at my own house...much less put any of them up. This is the first time I'll have a house of my own to decorate!!! Too bad the only decorations I own are a few strings of lights and multi-colored glass balls to hang on the tree that I don't have...I didn't have the wonderful genius of Tegan & Michael Kroening Diercks, to buy one after last year's Christmas for 7 dollars. So I guess maybe Sarah and I will decorate the hanging house plant in our front window instead. Or maybe we'll splurge on a real tree, or buy a little artificial one because then you don't have to remember to water it. :) But the most important Christmas decorating element of all, I don't have - a nativity scene. (Well, my landlady has a very cheesy light-up set for the yard, which she made sure she showed to me before they left...But I don't think I'll be putting that up anytime soon!) Note to self: find a nice nativity scene soon. We had one in every room growing up. Well, except the bathroom. :) And we had one that we would stick to our windows, too, kind of like a flannel-graph except all white and made out of plastic/rubber so it stuck to glass, not flannel. We always had a tree, but there was only one tree, and Jesus was everywhere you looked! I loved that about Christmas in our house. I want to make sure that I have at least one baby Jesus in a manger in my house this year, with Mary and Joseph and the shepherds and sheep, and angels, marvelling at the Great I Am, who created the universe, shrinking Himself down to the size of a crying infant who needed diaper changes, in order to draw us back into the heart of the God...simply astounding!

And you know what else is astounding? In exactly 17 days, I will once again be swept up in the arms of a tall and handsome man named Daniel, whom I love, and who astoundingly loves me back! How blessed I am, indeed. Phenomenally blessed.

Katrina Joy, Shelby says hi! :)

Bexx-n-Shelby 2
Originally uploaded by beccaruth.

We took a ton of pictures, and Shelby was so hyper that only these two came out with a Shelby that wasn't a big blur! He was excited to see you. :)

This one's for you, Danny boy...

Bexx-n-Shelby 1
Originally uploaded by beccaruth.

I love you!!!!!!

In this first week of Advent, the beginning of the season of expectation, the words to my favourite Advent hymn have been echoing around in my head and my heart.

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,
Who orders all things far and nigh;
To us the path of knowledge show,
And teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Desire of nations, bind
All peoples in one heart and mind;
Bid envy, strife, and sorrow cease,
Fill the whole world with heaven's peace.
REJOICE! REJOICE!
Emmanuel has come to Thee, O Israel.

Amen. Starting in each of our hearts, may the awe that Emmanuel has, indeed come, fill us with joyful and fruitful anticipation of the day when He will come again. Rejoice!

my not-so-little brother...

This is what happens when you don't see your family very often...all of a sudden, your little brother is HUGE!!! My parents sent me this picture, taken a few weeks ago, and I could hardly believe my eyes. The happy couple on the left is my parents, then my brother Ben in the back with his curly red mop blowing in the wind, and finally my Aunt Pat and Uncle Tom (he's my mom's "little" brother...). They went to Sao Paulo to spend a week with my family a few weeks ago, which was awesome! Both of my mom's siblings have now managed to go down to Brazil and see my parents in their "natural habitat," and I think it has truly been a blessing for all those involved. They're standing in the parking lot of the Pan American Christian Academy, the school I went to (from Kindergarten through 12th grade!), with the administrative office building/library in the background. Note the palm trees - it's summer there!!!!! :)

Katrina, this next one's for you...if you thought Ben was scary when he was shorter than us, I can't imagine what you'd do if you bumped into him now! :) This is Ben's best impression of a scary pirate, from my High School in Brazil's production of The Pirates of Penzance a few weeks ago. (It's very strange to me that, in the past 5 years, PACA has done a big musical drama production every year, with about half of the high school involved every time! When I was a student, let's just say that drama wasn't the most popular 8th period elective class...For example, my Junior year, we had to scrounge around looking for a play that had an all-female cast! Because there were NO GUYS who signed up! We couldn't even do something like Little Women, because we would at least have needed a guy to play the crucial part of the March family's suave neighbour Laurie. You see, we weren't allowed to have girls dressed up as men pretending to be men. But now, they don't seem to have any trouble getting guys to be in the plays! And singing and dancing, nonetheless! My, how times have changed...) So without further ado, here is my handsome pirate brother!

But don't let the picture fool you - he's really a sweetheart. :) Love you, bro!!!!!!!!

So, tomorrow I don't have to work. Or the next day. Or the next day...and so on, until MONDAY! It's strange, but I almost wish I had a paper to work on (I know, call me crazy), because I have no idea what I'll do with myself for 5 days! 5 days without work? Without papers and things to keep my mind busy? 5 days at home alone? Well, I guess I'm exaggerating a little, because I won't really be home alone for all 5 days...

On Thanksgiving Thursday I'll be around people - at Glenn & Maxine Cockle's, to be precise, with loads of other people including the adorable Clancey! And I may also be able to stop by the Fuller residence for a few hours to play games and chat and talk to Dan's grandparents about growing up in Brazil. Depending on how awake we all still are after the turkey effect kicks in. :) Then Friday, Laura and Walter, Karen and Brian, and myself will head up to Aunt Susan & Uncle Edgar's house in Niagara Falls, for a belated Thanksgiving dinner and lots of games...They're from the Clark side of the family, not the Myers side, and the whole Clark clan are board game fiends! Especially word games, like Speed Scrabble, or Boggle, or Balderdash, although they have been known on occasion to play Cranium or Pictionary. (No, we're not going to hit the stores on "the biggest Christmas shopping day of the year"...I think it's dumb, not to mention stressful, and I would much rather spend time with people eating, talking, and playing games than shopping!) It will be wonderful to be together with my family again, and to celebrate Thanksgiving twice - I have double reasons to be thankful! :)

But, all the same, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the other 3 days...I will sleep in and read a few books, probably bake at least once, take a bubble bath, clean my room, finally put together the prayer wall that I've been dreaming about for a month now, and spend much time thanking God for all the wonderful, amazing blessings He's given me out of the depths of His grace, and praying for all of you who are scattered across the world right now. And I will probably be a little bit lonely, and I will probably miss you every day, but maybe the missing will make it that much more wonderful when we meet again. Kind of like sleeping in your own bed is so much nicer after being on the road, sleeping in sleeping bags and on couches. And maybe I'll actually be able to sit down and write in my journal again!!! Something I haven't done in ages, and I really miss it...

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, all my wonderful friends! :)

Let it snow!!!

There is now snow on the ground in Houghton. Covering the grass, making the roads slippery, making the leaf-less trees once again into something beautiful, and driving me inside where it is warm! Ahhh, to curl up on the couch under a blanket with a mug of tea and a good book... :) In spite of my sub-tropical upbringing, I have actually grown to love winter over the past 4 years here at Houghton! It is a little different now that I'm paying my own heating bill...but anyways, I still think it's beautiful, and it reminds me of how in God's vast and wonderful creation, everything is given a time to rest. Right now, the trees are resting, and furry animals are getting ready to tuck away and sleep, and it is extremely good, because that was the way it was meant to be! This is not an empty, bored, thumb-twiddling rest, but a deeply beneficial rest in which healing is taking place and preparations are being made for life to burst forth once again in the fullness of spring. It kind of reminds me of Advent, a season that is all about expectation - Come, Lord Jesus! A season in which we rejoice because we know that He has already come. And in which we are also still waiting - not an empty waiting, but one in which work is being done even now to build into fruition the full redemption that will burst forth when He will come again, for good! It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Or maybe that's just the cold. :)

And yet, while I love winter for all these reasons, there is still part of me that becomes green with envy when I see pictures of the warm, sunny places where my friends are right now...

This is where Dan was last week, in Cuba.
This is where Amy and Katrina have been travelling, in India and Thailand.
This is where Chuck and Cherith will be moving in a few short months.

Enjoy the sunshine, all you people in warm places! :) I'll make a snowman in your honor and toast you with hot chocolate.

not as the world gives

Every Monday I get an e-mail from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, called "Word for the Week," containing the musings of one of their staff members on a certain passage of Scripture. And every Monday when I get to work, I am refreshed and challenged by their words, which come from the overflow of lives laid down daily for the cause of Christ, saturated with the Holy Spirit, pursuing justice and mercy and a daily walk with our God in the midst of a world that cries out for redemption and healing! Here is this week's Word on the peace that passes understanding, a reminder that the peace we have through the Holy Spirit's work in our lives is not an escape from troubles, but a truth that roots us, more deeply than a feeling, in wholeness and security in God:
"The fruit of the Spirit is…peace," Gal.5:22. "My peace I give you," John 14:27.

‘Oh for a bit of peace and quiet’, we may say, troubled by fractious colleagues and sardine-tin commuter trains, or by squabbling children and cold-calling salespeople. Peace perhaps equates to space, time to breathe, respite from stress.

From stress, but also from grief, from fear, from suffering. ‘My heart is in anguish within me’, wrote the psalmist, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.’ And Keats, in his Ode to a Nightingale, grieving the death of a friend, longed to: Fade far away, dissolve and quite forget What thou among the leaves have never known, The weariness, the fever, and the fret, Here, where men sit and hear each other groan.

So is peace simply escapism? Most people would also see it as something more positive – a feeling of contentment and well-being. Sometimes even the most successful people, having achieved all their material goals, still lament that peace has eluded them.

This is closer to the biblical concept of peace: the Hebrew word shalom implies wholeness, integrity, a harmony between the internal and the external. And Jesus made it plain that the peace he offered was special: ‘My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives’.
Jesus’ peace is not a mere feeling. It is based on truth, and appropriated by faith. ‘Being justified by faith, we have peace with God’ (Rom.5:1). The serenity of heart that the Spirit produces in us is rooted in the security of a healed relationship with God.

Unlike the world’s peace, the Spirit’s peace is independent of circumstances. Besieged by disappointment, grief, sickness, overwork, strife, injustice, we can daily hear the voice of Jesus: ‘In this world … trouble’, but ‘in me, peace’ (John 16:33).
(written by Helen Parry)

This is the kind of peace I long to see come to earth. A peace that is more than just the absence of war and oppression (although it also includes those things), but is an active restoration of wholeness in people, communities, and nations, and a reconciliation of those people to God. A peace that, while working to overcome pain, conflict, famine, nakedness, injustice, and war, establishes our lives solidly on the One in Whom we live and move and have our being, even in the midst of the troubles of this broken world. There is a peace that passes all understanding. May this peace that is much deeper than a feeling guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus this week, and may we join wholeheartedly in the Holy Spirit's work to bring that peace to all people!

Snow fell from the sky today...

I'm not ready for this!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATRINA JOY!!!!!!!!

Even though, for you, it isn't really your birthday any more. Because you're halfway around the world, in Thailand...sigh...

I toasted a mug of hot apple cider in to your good health and wonderful travels, last night at Paul's town house. And part of me wished that, for your birthday, you and Amy and Paul and I could watch tons of episodes of Gilmore Girls in the Arensen's basement and eat cookie dough. I baked cookies this weekend, and I'll eat them with Sarah tonight, while we each read our books and sip tea as Shelby runs around the living room inside his purple hamster ball. :)

Has anyone had any progress inventing tele-transport yet? Because I am craving one last autumn romp in the woods, followed by hours and hours of talking the night away under the stars. But one very crucial element is missing - Daniel Timothy Fuller. Any suggestions?

In honor of Tegan...

Right now, as I sit here at my desk at work, I am eating Skittles. And out of habit, I am putting aside all the purple ones, because that's just how I'm used to eating Skittles. Tegan gets anything grape, Becca gets anything orange, end of discussion! Except now I don't know what to do with the lonely grape ones...maybe you'll just have to come visit me and claim them. :)

But that got me thinking about the way we treat ALL our stuff. Is it as instinctive for me to put aside money, time, food, clothing, and all the other resources God is allowing me to take care of, as it is for me to set aside those grape Skittles? Sadly, no. I have to make a conscious effort to set aside my tithe first when I get my paycheck, otherwise it's easy for me to say, "Well, I've been needing this thing for a long time, so I'll buy it now and tithe double next month." Yeah, right! Like that ever happens! There was a reason that God asked His people to offer Him their firstfruits. It was because He knew that we get wrapped up in space and time and things, and in asking our first step to be dedicated to Him, it would become easier to consider all the following steps His, too. I've been reading Leviticus, and God's perspective on dedicating things to Him is very serious - no cutting corners, no cheating God! Remember Ananias and Saphira? God cannot be hoodwinked. He doesn't want just one piece of us, He wants ALL of us, ALL that we have, so that we can be entirely transformed in the fiery blaze of His holiness. The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. And, frankly, this is very easy to forget. It doesn't come naturally to us. It, instead, has to be learned, in a daily process some people like to call sanctification. So that, after a while, the decision to turn everything back to God for His praise and the building of His Kingdom becomes a little more reflexive, and the lines start becoming blurred between individual acts of giving, and it starts to look more like a continuous stream of gratitude. Oh, that this may someday be true in my life! In the meantime, with God's help, I continue to need constant reminders to not hold so tightly to anything but nail-pierced hand of our Saviour. As a Body, we all need to remind each other sometimes.

The house that I live in? It isn't mine. Not only does it legally belong to the Yandas, but while I'm in it, the use of that house should also be entirely dedicated to God. That means that if someone needs a place to stay for a while, I would be more than happy to give up my bed and sleep on the couch. If you're tired of Houghton water, come take a soak in my bathtub. If you need a place to relax and get away, come on over, anytime! Lord, glorify Your name in my house. The food that I eat every day? It is not mine. It has been given to me by God, and gifts were never meant to be hoarded, but to be shared. That means that my dinner table is always open for you! Holy Spirit, work in our lives through the food we eat and the people with whom we share it. The clothes that I wear? They are not mine. I thank God for them, especially in the bitter Houghton cold that is quickly approaching. But I have more than enough, and when I can no longer close the drawers on my dresser, it isn't a sign that I need a bigger dresser, it's a sign that I need to do some sorting and giving away. Lord, we make our wardrobes a prayer to you. The car that I drive? The sticker in the window says I own it, but that's not really true. This life that I live every day? It is not mine. I have been crucified with Christ, therefore it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me, and the life that I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and delivered Himself up for me.

So, thank you, Tegan, for sharing your orange Skittles with me. May we learn to hold nothing back from the One who has given it all to us!