Re-learning old habits

I have been reading an excellent book by Richard Foster, simply called Prayer, and it has been a somewhat humbling experience, to say the least. I have been realizing as I turn each page that I can say, "I used to do that", but have slowly lost the habit...I can't even pinpoint exactly when, but gradually, in small everyday decisions to do some things and not others, priorities and habits shifted imperceptibly until, before I knew it, they were all backwards. When did I stop praying the ordinary while I worked? When did I limit my prayers to petitions, asking continually for things, instead of having prayer express my love, gratitude, praise, and listen for God's voice? What a fool am I to think that I need only come to God on behalf of others, when the truth of the matter is that if I am not filled with Him, anything I do "on behalf of others" is completely useless, because it is coming from ME, not from HIM!

"If then you are wise, you will show yourself rather as a reservoir than as a canal. For a canal spreads abroad water as it receives it, but a reservoir waits until it is filled before overflowing, and thus communicates, without loss to itself, its superabundant water. In the Church at the present day, we have many canals, few reservoirs."

~Bernard of Clairvaux (qtd. in Richard Foster, Prayer)

Teach me again, Holy Trinity, how to live in constant communion with You, to come to You to be filled with Your perfect Love, lest I try to pour out what I do not have! For only Your Love satisfies, heals, restores, and brings joy. Fill my cup to overflowing once again.

Did you miss me?

Yes, that's right! I'm back to blog-dom! Well, for now anyways. :) You see, I moved out of my sister's house over Thanksgiving, into my own apartment again (Hallelujah!), but now that means I don't have internet access at home...I go to the library or my church to get online, but blogging has kind of taken a backseat during those precious minutes - my priorities are e-mail, taking care of my finances, researching and following through on career and school options, keeping up with world current events, and THEN blogging. And there's never enough time to get through all of them! But I'm trying to change that. I'll TRY to post something once a week. How's that? Here goes!

Do you ever feel old, even though you're not? I do all the time...Being involved in youth ministry, I feel like my energy level has significantly decreased since college, to where I look at the kids I work with sometimes and think, "How did I ever do it?" I get sore and creaky (and cranky!) from doing things I used to pride myself in doing without a problem - like staying up all night, or playing in the snow, or trying to play sports, even soccer, which used to be my life! But the biggest way in which I feel old is that, in a lot of ways, I feel like the youth I work with are my kids in a way, because of how much time I spend with them and invest in them. So the fact that there are EIGHT seniors graduating this year who are from our church makes me feel like an empty-nester whose kids are leaving home and testing their wings, when I'm only 24! So many of them have such rough home situations that I wish I could just take them home with me right now...but not only would their parents not look favorably on that, I would have no way of giving them what they need - only God can. I have a hard enough time just keeping my own head above water sometimes, I can't imagine what I'll be like when I have my own kids, if I feel this weary when I'm working with ones that I only see a few times a week! It reminds me of a beautiful hymn, which speaks so beautifully of the only reason ministry, and the Christian life in general is possible:

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;

No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

• I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
  Every hour I need Thee;
  Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
  I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.
~Annie Hawks, 1872