I have never really understood Halloween. Today, on my way to lunch, I passed a pair of guys on the sidewalk who were dressed up as Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. These are college students, and they're going to CLASSES like this! Both of them were carrying light sabres, and Darth Vader's outfit was complete with a helmet that made funny noises when he breathed, and crackled when he talked. I sure hope he didn't wear that helmet in class...it definitely made me laugh, though, when he began impersonating in the middle of the sidewalk. He drew his light sabre and blocked my way with it, then I gave him a funny, one-eyebrow-raised look and he let me pass, but then started following a few feet behind me, breathing his funny Darth Vader breaths while I rolled my eyes and tried really hard not to laugh. Maybe I should have laughed. Or maybe I should have stolen his light sabre and run off cackling with glee. :)

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia

This one's for you, Chuck...

I was very sad this morning when I heard that the White Sox won the World Series. Which is strange, because I'm not particularly fond of either team, to tell you the truth. But then it dawned on me - I have friends for whom this actually matters! None of them were really rooting for the White Sox, but one of my friends actually LIVES in Houston, and another one was cheering from Australia, and the general trend here in the office was on the Astros' side, so I joined the collective disappointment that it was all over last night...I'm glad there's more to life than baseball!

That said, my parents called me today - from BRAZIL!!!! It made my day. :)

Of late, I have been reading two phenomenal books by Lauren Winner, a young woman who converted from Judaism to Christianity when she was in graduate school. And she has a very solid and refreshing perspective on life in general, especially on a few key issues the church nowadays tends to gloss over. One of the things she stresses over and over again is that, as human beings, nothing is ever truly individual - as much as sometimes we'd like to think we stand alone, eventually everything we say and do and even think will affect other people and God, and everything about us is inevitably shaped by people and culture and places and the whole of human history and ultimately God. In short, nothing can truly be individual because we were, in fact, made to be part of community, of relationship, in short, of a Body. And one thing she said that has stuck with me is that even something like faith, which we in this day & age consider to be very personal, is not actually individual but corporate. Faith, hope, love, and understanding all take much more than just me, myself, and God sitting down with a Bible and thinking it through, and trying to figure out what's important and what being a disciple of Christ should look like and feel like. I am part of a Body, and I can only hope to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ when I do it together with all the saints! It would take the whole of Scripture, the whole of human history, the whole of church tradition, and the whole body of Christ in all time & space to even come close! And that is immensely refreshing to me. It helps to know sometimes that I'm not a lone ranger forging my way to the heart of God and trying to rescue people along the way, but instead that I'm surrounded by a caravan of people who are also sharing the same journey, and that most importantly of all, God Himself goes with us.

So I went through, in my mind, all the books I've read about the taking hold of and working out of salvation, and all the conversations I've had with peers and friends and professors and my parents and my pastors, and the reflections I've written as I've grown to a deeper knowledge and love of the Triune God, and all the saints who have gone before us. And it's a lot of people! People with whom I can stand and say: "We believe in God, the Father Almighty, the Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord: Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He arose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty, whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen." People with whom I can share the bringing of that faith to action, by together joining the work that God is already doing to bring healing to the broken, freedom to the captive, food to the hungry, and love to the rejected. People who will someday all lift our voices at the foot of the throne of God and of the Lamb and cry, "Blessing and honor and glory and power be to our God forever and ever!"

This is why we take communion and in doing so remind each other that we are made whole by His broken body, and His spilled blood. This is why we pray. This is why baptism is a sacrament, in which we announce to the whole world that we die to ourselves and are raised to new life in Christ, and in which all the other members of the Body pledge to hold us accountable and help us grow. This is why marriage is a sacrament and is a profound mystery, because it is an intentional parallel to the working out of the relationship between Christ and the church. This is why I cannot imagine following the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit alone, because it would be way too monstrous a task. This is why I love being part of a Body that is even now being built up into the fullness of God.

from Henri J.M. Nouwen's The Genesee Diaries:

Sunday, 29 October

During his conference in Chapter this morning, John Eudes said, "Unless our prayer is permanent, our heart is not yet pure." That struck me as very meaningful. John Eudes stressed that not only liturgy but also spiritual reading and manual work are prayer.

Lord, teach me to pray.

Of memories and expectation...

All I have to say is, today, it's been 6 months. 6 months since I sat under a tree behind Fancher Hall with Dan, and we talked about what it meant to live filled with the Holy Spirit, and what it would look like for our relationship to be led by God every step of the way. 6 months since I gave him that first hug and went away with my head spinning at the thought that, maybe, after 21 years of waiting, I could finally let myself fall in love. And I did. I think I can speak for both of us when I say we have grown much, learned much, changed much, come to a deeper and wider understanding of what it means to love and be loved. It has also been a time of great agony and many tears, the most gaping, gushing, throbbing pains I have ever felt, because the vast majority of it has been spent many, many miles apart. But it is also accompanied by the greatest joys I have ever known, the deepest moments of contentment and peace and rest, and our fair share of smiles and laughter. And I wouldn't trade a single moment of it.

This is all thanks to the God who first loved us, who has taken the pain of the world into Himself where it is mixed with joy and forged into the strongest kind of love. Then He fills us with His love that is wide and long and high and deep beyond understanding, and which by a powerful miracle of grace enables us to love. What a wonderful, mind-boggling mystery this is! I will burst forth in songs of gratitude for it all the days of my life.

And it is also 2 months from today that I get to pick Dan up from the airport and "apart" no longer has to be a word in our vocabulary. Oh, what a day that will be!!! :-)

Yes, I finally did it. I gave in and started a blog. I had very many reasons for holding out this long, some of which I was very proud of, and some of which were true, and all of which I will list right now:

(1) - Blogging is a really impersonal way to stay in touch with people. It feels like I'm just putting my thoughts up there for anyone who cares to read them, and we can all read about each other's lives without ever really interacting with each other. I do, in fact, love to read your blogs so I know what's going on in your lives! But it is a poor substitute for dialogue, for heart-sharing, for crying and laughing together, for smiles and hugs and praying together and hashing out controversial topics and tough questions together. And impersonal is the last way I want my communication with my friends to be! Well, because you're my friends, and I love you, and I want my relationship with you to be personal, even if we're hundreds of miles away from each other. I don't want my relationships with you to become superficial, because my heart wants to love you and be loved by you in a very deep and heart-wrenching way!
- Reason why (1) is not enough: I royally stink at staying in touch. With all the good intentions in the world of calling and e-mailing and writing snail mail letters, I somehow have not written or e-mailed or called anyone except my immediate family and Dan since I started my new job in September! I think of you, my wonderful friends, on a daily basis, and lift you up in prayer from the bottom of my heart and trust that God is meeting the deepest needs of your hearts at the level that only He can. But I am somewhat lacking in the execution, and I end up convincing myself that I need to wait for a time and day when I can give you my undivided attention without distractions and without any time constraints. And, frankly, life isn't very conducive to fitting those two criteria! And now that it's been so long, I feel very guilty for not being in touch, and I want to do better, and I'm hoping that this will be a good starting point.

(2) - I don't ever want to become addicted to checking whether or not anyone has commented on my blog. And I don't want to become depressed at seeing "0 comments" at the bottom of that entry for too many days in a row. Because I know myself too well, and I like it when people tell me I'm funny or deep or witty or good with words or a good friend, and when nobody tells me those things, I start believing they're not true.
- Reason why (2) is not enough: This one is something that God is working on in my life, and I guess that we humans will always find it easy to be insecure. There's no two ways about it. Being found in Him doesn't mean that I will automatically feel good about my self, but it means that I make a conscious decision every minute of every day to place myself in His hands and let His love and grace and truth be the food for my soul.

(3) - I never thought that I would have enough time to blog. The only time I have internet access is at work, and at work, well, I'm doing work!
- Reason why (3) is not enough: Like Cherith, I find myself with chunks of time to spare in the middle of my day at work - time in which I need to be sitting at my desk, in front of the computer and next to the phone, but I don't necessarily have anything to do. Not that I have tons of time on my hands, mind you!!! But perhaps a 10-15 minute gap between scheduled tasks once or twice a week, not enough time to get anything productive done, but too much time to fill up by twiddling my thumbs or rearranging the tape and stapler and paperclips and Post-It Notes on my desk into new patterns or checking the news for the umpteenth time. So I may indeed have time to update a blog.

(4) - Even as a non-blogger, I have always been able to read and comment on everyone else's blog, so I felt like I got all of the benefits without the responsibilities of updating my own blog and trying to figure out what was or wasn't appropriate to post.
- Reason why (4) is not enough: I just read Chuck's blog about the Trinity, and I was inspired to write a lengthy comment in which I resoundingly AMEN-ed him. But it wouldn't let me post the comment because I wasn't a blogger myself. So, that was the last straw, and I finally caved.

All that to say, my reasons and excuses aren't good enough! (And, please, please comment on my blog every once in a while...) And I promise that this won't keep me from e-mailing you and calling you and writing you on a very personal and individual basis! :-)