And as I sat there in between Kim and Savannah, with Chelsea and Katy behind me, and promised to support them in their endeavor, I was not counting myself in that group that needed to spend less time allowing myself to be bombarded by the media. I was patting myself on the back, because "I had already done that." I intentionally don't own any video games, or spend any time playing computer games, either. We don't have any TV channels, so the only things I ever watch are The Amazing Race, which someone tapes for Laura & Walter & I, or the movies that I get via Netflix a few times a week. And I don't spend inordinate amounts of time on the Internet, either - I work all day, and when I'm at home I rarely go near the computer. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself! But when I asked myself when it was that I've felt the closest to God in my life, I looked back and saw that it was during my senior year of college, when Tegan & I lived at the Cockle's house, with absolutely no connections to internet or television and when we would spend our commute to Houghton in the mornings praying aloud together, and last year when I lived by myself (for the most part) and the closest thing I had to media was my music (largely worship music...) and books. (Until I got Netflix, but that's another story...) I spent lots of time in silence then - it was my friend, and I was very comfortable when it was around. And in that silence, I had all the time in the world to talk to God, and to listen for His voice to speak to me. Last year, in the midst of that silence, was the only time I can tell you that I distinctly, audibly heard God's voice speaking to me - three times. And I don't think it was a coincidence that it happened when significant time was continually spent in silence! Not an empty silence, in which I just sat still waiting for something to happen, but that in everything I did - cooking, eating, cleaning, making bread, doing laundry, reading, journaling, writing letters to friends - I didn't need to add anything to it, but I could just do it, with all of me. And that was when I truly feel like I lived the closest to "doing everything as unto the Lord" - because in the midst of the silence, I felt like I was always with the Lord!
But as I sit here, typing this, Laura & Walter are gone, and the house is silent, and it feels strange to me, unnatural. I no longer feel comfortable in silence. I am on edge in it, instead, and I keep getting startled by the littlest noises. But I want to get re-acquainted with my old friend this Lenten season, which is why it is still quiet even 3 hours into my night alone. No movies, no music (except that which I make with my own mouth), no computer games or web-surfing this year during Lent (except that which is necessary to stay connected with people like you!). It is convicting that, in all my hoity-toity pride about not being controlled by the media, I still find plenty of ways to continually, even if unintentionally, drowning out my internal dialogue with God, depriving my soul of its lifeblood, which is fellowship with the Spirit, and thinking that it can be sustained by that with which I surround myself! It is not what is around me, but Who is in me, that sets me apart, that sanctifies me through & through. I am glad for this time of year, when we are prompted to lay things down and strip them away, to see if when all of those things are removed we are still standing because we were leaning on Christ all along, or else to see, when we fall after the stripping, that we had not leaned heavily enough on the Solid Rock. And that He Himself will pick us up and help us re-build, more solidly, more centrally, on that which is eternal.
Isaiah 30: 15-18
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In
repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength; but you would have none of it. You said, 'We will flee on horses.'
Therefore, you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift
horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will
flee, at the threat of one; at the threat of five, you will all flee away, till
you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill."
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!
My Lenten prayer is that the LORD will teach me - teach us - anew how to wait for Him!
